See? Some Asian guy...and Tori?!

Well, it's kind of nice to hear you resemble Tori Amos, Ava Gardner, and Eva Peron...I don't know what to think about Alice Cooper though.

Every freakin' time I do this, it says I look like someone Asian

A P.S. on yesterday

Carl De Keyzer....pretty fabulous stuff.

Warning: not for the easily offended

I stumbled upon Joel-Peter Witkin's photographs while messing around before bed, and, although I 'm well aware they won't be every one's cup of tea, I think they're amazing.


I was originally looking at Diane Arbus' photos, which are wonderful as well...this link also has collections by Mapplethorpe, Avedon and others..so...yeah. Like 'em, hate 'em, whatever.

Botulism?

There's really no point in you entering this contest...

But, if you're a glutton for punishment, you can enter here...hurry, the deadline's the first of July! Just don't come crying to me when you lose....loser!


p.s. you're a loser because I'm going to win the contest....guess I didn't make that very clear, huh?


P.P.S. IMPORTANT UPDATE: I lied...it ends the 7th. Too bad the extra time will only make my victory that much sweeter (I don't know what the hell I mean either).

It always seems like such a good idea at the time

This slightly dazed and insane look is the result of being alone and drinking. All I had was a six pack of beer, but that's all it took for me to write the woe-is-me blog under this one...the one in which I hate my life, etc. You can read, so, yeah, there it is...slightly embarrassing now, considering that when Jason got home like an hour later, I was mad for about five minutes and then pretty much just gabbed away about absolutely nothing in the happiest manner imaginable.

Am I bi-polar? No, just bored, frustrated, and lacking in anything better to then post retarded blogs about how life sucks when you're drunk and at home alone. So...in summation, I'll say this: I'm fine, everything else is fine, there are annoyances in my life but they're not that big a deal, and I promise to try to keep the drunken blogging to a minimum.

Back home again in Indiana

Why is it that I have the feeling that I am the only person I know at home on a Friday night? Why do I feel such a huge amount of resentment towards Jason for going out tonight, for acting like his home life is such a fucking chore, as if having his son wanting him to pay attention to him was the fucking height of annoyance......is that even a question anymore? I am at home, everyday, taking care of my son, who I love crazily. I love making him laugh, I love playing with him, I love it when he discovers new things he's never seen before...but what I don't love is feeling like I am a single parent with a boyfriend. I hate calling up the "being a housewife is just as hard a job as any other" card, but damnit, when he's spent an hour at home and says he can't take it and has to leave, I just want to kick him square in the nuts. And when I'm having a bad day and he calls and says, "Oh, hey, I'm going out with such and such and I already told them it was okay....are you cool with that?"................urgh. I am also faced with the fact that I'm pretty damn positive that I don't have any friends that are actually available. By that I mean people I could call right now and just start bitching righteously to, someone who would listen to all my shit, take my side, and make me feel better. Everyone I know who I consider a friend either lives in another state, is too far away, or is too wrapped up in their own lives. I have acquaintances. I have people who, if you asked them, would say they're my friends, but, really, what the fuck do they know about me? Half of that is my own fault...letting people in has always been a problem. I am so tired of trying to be super mommy, super girlfriend, super whatever-the-fuck-I'm supposed to be..I don't really have that much of a problem posting all this, as I'm pretty sure there are only two people who read this on a semi-regular basis (Hi Puglet! Hi mondo!)...and I don't think Jason ever reads it..so for the few who check, don't worry, I'll get back to my usual inane pap in my next post, I'm sure.

"And I don't wanna live this life"

I got every question right except for the second one. Man, did I read the crap out of this book...


Oh, and I got eight right on this quiz....don't know whether to be proud of that or not.

Isn't this the cutest little picture?

I need to go to bed

Unfortunately, my family's not all that subversive, so I really can't think of any relative who's FBI file would either be interesting or even exisit. But maybe you're luckier than I am.

Thanks to Kevin Smith for sending me the bulletin which led me to his blog which led me to this picture which is an add for some cult movie dealy he's hosting in LA which I can't go to because I am 1.)lame and 2.)not in LA. I am also possibly lame for having Kevin Smith as a myspace friend, but damnit, he writes funny blogs and I like his movies (didn't see "Jersey Girl"...no, I'm not that lame).

Yay, free drinks for me!

River can drink my lemonade.

Nana

KD is not having a good day. Jason's grandmother, the nicest nana you could ever meet, died this morning after a very short battle with cancer. I think it says a lot about her that even people who weren't related to her called her "Nana", and it's depressing as hell to think she's not going to be around to see River grow up. I have a lot of other shit I could bitch about, but it all seems kind of lame and unimportant. Out of all of Jason's family, she made me feel the most welcome and I honestly believe that she loved and cared about me...and her whole life revolved around Jason and River, so I've gotta love her for that.

I don't really know what else to say....I know there's plenty of anecdotes I could relate of her being funny or silly or overbearing or slightly insane, but I don't think any of them quite paint the picture of the wonderful person she was. Jason says River's got one awesome guardian angel now, so I guess that pretty much says it.

Come on, bring it!

The link, not the picture...

Is this really Jim? It looks like him, and he would have been in Florida at the time...the first time he "speaks", it's obviously dubbed, but the second time....Hmmm. And I think I saw him briefly expose himself..but that could have been mass hysteria (can you have mass hysteria by yourself?). Either way, those bastards should let him into college.

#18: Damnit, I'm always the last to know

This is Rolling Stones' top 25 greatest rock rumors of all time. I guess they really don't say that any of them aren't true, so who knows, maybe Debbie Harry was abducted by Ted Bundy.

1. Paul McCartney is or has ever been dead.

2. Stevie Nicks’ assistant had to blow coke up Stevie’s ass due to Nicks’ destroyed nasal passages.

3. Mama Cass died after choking on a ham sandwich.

4. Angie Bowie caught her husband in bed with Mick Jagger.

5. Mark David Chapman was an assassin programmed by the CIA.

6. Members of Led Zeppelin pleased a teenage groupie using a red snapper/shark as their sex toy of choice.

7. Jim Morrison was killed by members of the Nixon administration/faked his own death/died from a heart attack brought on by masturbating in a Parisian bathtub.

8. Deborah Harry was once abducted by serial killer Ted Bundy.

9. Keith Moon drove a car into a Holiday Inn pool on his 21st birthday, knocked out a couple of teeth and got the Who banned for life from all Holiday Inns.

10. Gene Simmons had a cow tongue grafted onto his own tongue after a car accident.

11. Rod Stewart/Lil’ Kim/Jordan Knight had to get their respective stomachs pumped after ingesting a gallon of semen.

12. During a drug bust on Mick’s place Marianne Faithfull was once found with a Mars bar between her legs.

13. Marilyn Manson had his lowest set of ribs removed so he could blow himself.

14. Alice Cooper and Frank Zappa attempted to gross each other out by shitting onstage, then eating it.

15. Bob Marley was assassinated/given cancer in his toe by the CIA.

16. Phil Collins’ tune “In the Air Tonight” was written after Collins witnessed a gruesome incident in which one man let another man drown.

17. Keith Richards routinely has in the past/continues today to get full-body blood transfusions.

18. Jack and Meg White are brother and sister.

19. “Hotel California” is about a Christian church that was abandoned then taken over by Satan worshipers, the Eagles are Satan worshipers and Satan him (or her) self appears in the window on the album jacket.

20. Bob Ezrin, who produced Lou Reed’s Berlin, got the anguished children’s cries you hear on “The Kids” by telling his own children their mother was dead and recording the sounds they made.

21. Pearl Jam was named after a peyote-infused jam Eddie Vedder’s grandmother used to make.

22. Charles Manson auditioned for the Monkees.

23. Marilyn Manson played Kevin Arnold’s friend Paul Pfeiffer on the Wonder Years.

24. Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his guitar-playing gifts.

25. Roy Orbison was an albino and wore dark glasses because he was blind.

It always was fun to use dirty words while playing Mad Libs

The Person Who Did Stuff To Me

As I was meandering crazily down the skating rink one fine summer's eon, the most obnoxious, ballsy c thomas howell fatly fucked me, stopping me in my tracks. "Look here," I said, oozing my elbow at him jauntily, "That was terribly gross of you. I demand an apology."
The c thomas howell banged at me poopily and fucked me again, this time with both knuckles.
"Excuse me!" I said, this time more expertly. "Desist at once, or I shall be forced to screw you. You're a very gay c thomas howell, I must say."
"I can't stop," the c thomas howell said accidentally. "You see, my mother was a fluffer, my father was chunky, and the trauma was just too much. I'm sticky as a manatee, I'm obscene to say."
At hearing his slimy story, I felt for him. But I balled the dark douchebag anyway and moved on

Create your own conspiracy theory!

It's kind of like playing Mad Libs. Here's mine, complete with horrible grammatical errors (I kind of think they add to it).

"What They Don't Want You to Know

In order to understand evolution you need to realize that everything is controlled by a clog dancers made up of Icelandic people with help from Girl Scouts.The conspiracy first started during the war of 1812 in Daleville. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including Cat stevens' changing his name.
Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by opening a new container when there's still some in the old container.
They want to rolling a drunk Ann Coulter and imprison resisters in Hell using rik shaws.
In order to prepare for this, we all must pooping. Since the media is controlled by Manfred Mann we should get our information from George Bush."

Ha ha, I am so funny. This is pretty much a Mad lib generator (even though they're not "mad"...they're "CRAZY"!!). It's kind of fun, even if you're like me and can't remember what a transitive verb is. Here's an example of me being oh so clever.

"Love Letter

Dear Sweetheart,
I lay awake all renaissance thinking of you, your funky smile, and our tryst in the valley. Lustfully, I recall our meeting, how my heart plummeted with arrogance when I first saw you. How fruity you looked in that red suspenders and those two tangy bonnets on your nostrils!
I cherished every moment we were together and was stanky when our date came to a close. I can't say how zestfully I regret spilling pee on your taint; you were nausea about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you're nausea.
You're jewy most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of radiator fluid, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as women. Your lips are like succulent snails. Your hair is puce like a koala on a summer's day. Your butts are two enormous octagons of pain.
I can't wait to hiss with you again. Write soon.
Arrogantly,
Your Friend"

"Your butts are two enormous octagons of pain"..hee hee!

Photographic proof that I went somewhere!

Note: I am wearing an Izod shirt Jason's brother left in our car because I spilled my drink all over my own shirt. Ten seconds after putting it on, I preceded to spill a drink on that shirt as well.

All in all, quite a nice evening. I was good and didn't drink any beer (rum and Coke Zero..I was going to type "yum", but right now "yum" is just about the last comment I'd put on that combo). Saw some folks I hadn't seen in a while, talked a lot of shit (I tend to do that when I'm drunk..actually, pretty much when I'm sober, too), smoked way too many cigarettes..the usual. After a night like this, I'm always left with the sneaking suspicion that something or other I said during the evening probably pissed someone off, and of course this evening was no exception. But since I don't get out as much as I used to, the feeling of making a total ass out of myself comes upon me a lot less, thus I find I don't really care as much about it as I used to (wow, what a long explanation for something no one but me cares about). River stayed at my mom's all night and was shockingly good...and she didn't bring him back til 11:00! And he wanted to take a nap pretty much as soon as he got here! Also I managed to not twist my ankle, fall down, or completely black out parts of the evening (always a good sign).

So...yeah. That'll probably have to last me for the next three or four months.

Note number two: I can't figure out why there's such a ginormous space at the end of this post, and frankly, I don't really feel like trying to fix it.

You'd wonder the same thing at 6 in the morning

While watching "The Great Muppet Caper" this morning (which, in case you were wondering, is vastly superior to "The Muppets Take Manhattan" but not quite as good as "The Muppet Movie"), I found myself wondering how Peter Falk lost his eye. This led me logically to Sammy Davis Jr., which was then followed by pondering the idea of other celebrities with prosthetic eyes...I couldn't think of any, but did find an article on this guy. Then I thought I should probably get off the computer and watch my kid, who, while I'd been neglecting him, managed to get my library book off the couch and was busy losing my place in "Northanger Abbey", which is why this post has a picture of Jane Austen.

I've never seen the original

But, come on, Crispin Glover and the Suicide Girls? Sounds like box office gold to me!

Sorry for all the Muppet/Sesame Street stuff

But this song is catchy as hell.

Celebrities and Muppets Vol. 2

And wow, could she look more out of it?

Yeah, this is awesome

My favorite TV theme song of all time

And the show takes place in Indianapolis, too!

In completely unrelated news, I get to go to a party this weekend! Hells yeah! It has been soooo long since I've done anything even remotely exciting...unless you count the various family get-togethers I've endured these past few weeks (if any of my family reads this: "Hi! Love ya! Can't wait to see you again!") Blake's moving to Texas and throwing himself a going-away shindig, so I'm sure to see tons of people I haven't seen in well over a year, probably drink too much, ruin my diet, and feel really guilty about it the next day. Again, hells yeah!

In more unrelated news, here are two of my favorite titles I have been called: "baby momma" and "special lady friend".

Is this for real?

And really, it's disturbing either way. So much of it is disturbing, it's hard to pick out just one thing that stands out...so we'll start with the fact the site is sponsored by these guys.