There are lots of things I don't like to admit

One of which is that I.......play World of Warcraft. Admitting this is kind of the equivalent of admitting to polite company that you like to smell your own socks, or possibly those of others. I don't know why it seems like such a shameful thing to me. I mean, Christ, how many millions of fucking people play the damn game? 70 bazillion at my last count. It's the kind of addictive that doesn't seem to fade..kind of like crack or obsessively watching the Maury Povitch show. I guess as a self professed geek it shouldn't be all that shocking that I play an online game and I am nowhere near as bad in my geekness about it as a lot of the people in my guild. Because, yes, I am a member of a guild, and we do geeky shit. Crap. Now I've totally blown my cover.

Apparently, I'm very amiable

Last night while attempting to get to sleep, I had a lot of random thoughts going through my head, thoughts that at the time I thought were worth blogging about. Of course I have now completely forgotten my amazing night time revelations. However, I decided to log on and check out the multitude of comments my last entry garnered. "Finally," I thought, "I have found an audience who appreciates my subtle wit and refined taste." Unfortunately, that was not the case. A lot of the comments are more confusing than anything, and I deleted quite a few before I gave up and started finding them charming in a spammy/bad English/obviously on the wrong site kind of way. Anyway, direct your attention to the entry proceeding this one and you'll see what I mean. In answer to a few comments: Not interested, really unsure of what you're saying, and thanks (I think). That about covers it.

I seem to have a very confrontational attitude about this blog.  Which is fucking ridiculous...who cares but me that I'm drunk on Old Grand Dad and whatever the hell else I have going on?  I want to start writing again...because that was always what I felt I was good at.  But maybe I'm not that good at anything anymore.....Oh fuck.   Fuck a bunch of all kinds of fucking fuck.  I'll try this again..at some later date.

For some reason I can't post this to anything else

I having become Crazy Cooking Lady

Because my idea of cooking used to be putting salt, pepper, and garlic powder on my Totino's Party Pizzas before I stuck them in the oven, the fact that I am actually cooking meals is pretty phenomenal.  So I thought I'd share the recipes I've blatantly stolen.  All of them are bad for you, although some are obviously going to cause a coronary before others.

Beef and noodles--I use Amish noodles instead of frozen ones (man, can those Amish ever make a noodle) and I put half the marjoram, because I think it's too much.  Also, I usually double this recipe and we eat on it for days like grazing cows.

Lasagna--This is completely basic, easy and freaking yummers.  I use sausage because the doctors have put me on a high pork diet.

Spaghetti and meatballs--I leave out a lot in this recipe because I don't ever have fresh herbs.

Farmers pork chops--These started my cooking frenzy...they are so good..they almost make me cry.

Gooey butter cakes--These will kill you.  

Mashed potato bake--If you're not dead already from the butter cakes and pork chops, this should do it.

MOP burgers--I really don't like Rachael Ray, but I made these the other night and they were the shit.

Wheee!

I really have neglected this blog for several reasons, most of them involving limited Internet access (which I think I've bitched about sufficiently) and a growing (and disturbing) addiction to facebook.  I find myself spending more time writing on people's walls, tending a farm, and trying to come up with witty status updates then childcare, which is quite sad.  It's just nice to be in a social networking deal where I actually get messages from people occasionally..even if it's just so they can repeatedly kick my ass at a poor man's version of Scrabble.

So, what is there to report?  Not much.  Still momming it up, still in Daleville, still unemployed...Oh, I got to spend my Valentine's day (and two days after) watching Jason and James get drunk and argue about who was more proficient at "Soul Caliber 4", which was entertaining at first and then just descended into madness.  My house is still a wreck, my kid has a hacking cough, and I am getting increasingly irritated at my inability to find a replacement coffee pot.  I am oh so domestic, and it makes me kind of curious about how all these people who've asked to be my "friends" who only knew me as "high school Kristin" view me now.  I obviously didn't see the world afire, and I no longer have interesting hair or piercings.  Oh well.

Continuing in my weird need to post photos of June/Henry/Anais...here's a lovely shot of Miss Nin.  Unlike myself, she did set the world afire...but if having an affair with your father, being married to two men at the same time, and being more than a little self absorbed are prerequisites for that, I think I'll just stick with watching my son destroy his toys and mimic Baron Silas Greenback on "Danger Mouse".

You know you're hung over when...

....you make green bean casserole at 10 in the morning just cause it sounds good.

Geez, I dunno about this blog. I have regular internet access now, which allows me to do exciting things like send drunken emails or watch porn or feel sad about how no one on myspace ever sends me anything except my sister...but blogging kind of seems not all that important (and porn is. Ha).

There really isn't all that much to report....still playing happy homemaker, watching a lot of Sesame Street and pretty much ....that's it.

I guess I'll post if the mood strikes me.

I honestly thought this was a really bad drag queen

The one on the left....I just think the other one's untalented.

update on nothing

I added a link to VerveEarth because...well, they asked me to and I'm bored and no one sends me messages and la dee dah dah dah. Anyway, we will be getting back on line in a month or so..this is a definite thing, as we're getting some cash to pay off bills (not the government checks they're sending out...some other money...we're using the government's money to buy fancy hats and roller skates...our way of contributing to the economy). So..I'm sure this new link will bring huge amounts of traffic to my little blog (har de har har) and I just wanted to let my waiting public know that they needn't fret; soon I'll be back doing this semi-regularly, adding links to stupid things and rockin' it like only I can. Ha.


New link madness!!!!! For some reason they've been talking about this guy in the past tense on Sirius, so I had to look him up to see if he was dead or something. Apparently he's not, but the fact that he's 52 is enough to be disturbing on its own..

A brief update for the four people that read this

Okay, so hopefully we're getting our internet hooked back up next week. Until then here's some crap that's been going on in my life:
1. I celebrated my tenth anniversary by sitting at home alone (yeah, he was in some major shit)
2. I am attempting to quit smoking. They've got me on not only antidepressants, but I'm supposed to start the patch in a couple of days.
3. Due to the antidepressants, I cannot drink. I don't mean that I'm being a good girl and following the label, I mean I've tried and I can't drink. It makes me feel like I'm coming down with the flu. I predict that by the time the twelve weeks is up, I'll have killed someone.
4. I had a thyroid test to see if that explains why I've become such an enormous fatass. Cross your fingers that that's it and not the fact that I've been drinking like Faye Dunaway in "Barfly" for something like ten years.

Wow, I have no idea how long I've been here

I'm supposed to just be popping into the library to get a couple of books and check my email....but I miss the internet!!!!

I miss this stupid blog

We are still without home internet service, and although I must say I mostly miss mindlessly surfing around, I do kind of miss posting crap on here...not that anyone reads it or anything, but...oh well.

I'm so excited about finding another picture of June

I just have to post it.

Oh, yeah, one more thing...

If you're considering having kids in the near future, make sure you take excellent care of your teeth before, during and after you're pregnant. I had heard this before I had River, but completely disregarded it.

I won't go into detail, but I thought Shane and I should offer this public service announcement...although I guess he doesn't have the pregnancy excuse for his teeth. Oh well.

Weird things I wonder about: The Snake Handlers Edition

Maybe it's because I didn't have any religious upbringing at all, but there are so many aspects of faith and worship that fascinate me..especially churches and sects that are way outside the norm. A case in point would be the Church of God with Signs Following, a.k.a., snake handlers. Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, I found quite a few helpful links regarding this sect (or whatever you call it). Of course there's your standard Wikipedia entry...which is very comprehensive and even gives a listing of churches (there's one in Ft.Wayne...not that I'm going to go and disrupt their services or anything...come to think of it, what exactly could I do that would be all that disruptive to people who handle snakes, speak in tongues, and drink strychnine?). I particularly liked this site...lots of pictures, video and music. A smorgasbord of information regarding all your snake handling questions.

Not that they're related, but in case you didn't have to read it in high school or college, check out Jonathan Edwards' "Sinners In The Hands of An Angry God". I searched on photobucket for an appropriate picture to accompany it, and all that came up was this delightful drawing. It's nice to see that other people wasted valuable class time pondering their own damnation. Fun fun fun...and sure to brighten any one's day.

Also..is it just me or does the balding gentlemen in the picture at the beginning of this entry kind of resemble Hunter S Thompson? Yeah, I thought it was just me.

Please read this letter from Lorri Davis and do what you can!

Dear Friends & Supporters:
For more than a decade, thousands of you from all over the world have spoken out about the grave injustice in West Memphis, where three men Ð including my husband Ð were wrongfully convicted of murder. You have spoken out to raise money and awareness; you have brought widespread attention to this case and refused to let people forget that three men are in prison for a crime they did not commit; and you have made a difference, through creativity, passion and sheer force of will. The families of the West Memphis Three (Damien Echols, Jessie Misskelley and Jason Baldwin) can never thank you enough.Today, I am writing to you because we urgently need your help. Whether you have supported and followed the case over the years, or you are just learning about this tragic injustice, we need you to step up today.Over the last two years, compelling new evidence has been discovered by DNA tests, forensic pathologists and investigators. The lawyers are working to assemble what will be a dynamic appeal; one that will change forever the way this case has been perceived, and will prove Ð once and for all -- the innocence of the three convicted. The filing will include new evidence that is backed up with factual, hard science; a miraculous development in this error-ridden case.Your support over the years has enabled us to achieve unbelievable progress. WeÕre now asking for your help to put all of this effort to work in the courts. We need the resources that will enable our experts, lawyers and investigators to work full time over the next couple of months, so the appeal can be filed as quickly as possible.Time is running out, and we need your help. Please make checks payable to the Damien Echols Defense Fund, PO Box 1216, Little Rock, AR 72203. You can also donate online, through PayPal to: Ldavis11@hotmail.com.If you have ever considered donating, the time is NOW. Cases like this take years and cost millions of dollars. We are in the final lap toward overturning these convictions and finally securing justice, but we simply cannot do it without the money it takes to bring all of the science and expertise and investigation into court so that the truth can finally come out.I am not an expert on the law, science, the criminal justice system or the art of fundraising and organizing. What I know for sure is that these three men are innocent, and that we can prove it Ð if we have the money it will take in the next four weeks to file the appeal thatÕs been more than 10 years in the making. Please help us, and please know that your support has already gotten us farther than many people thought possible.
Thanks very much,
Lorri Davis and the Damien Echols Legal Team

My boy

Okay, fine

For some unknown reason, late one night, Jason and I got in a heated debate about whether or not Fredrick Douglas invented peanut butter. I contended that I had learned this in elementary school, and thus, that it had to be true (Fredrick Douglas is the gentleman with the white hair).

Unfortunately, once I looked it up on Wikipedia, I realized I was thinking of George Washington Carver (the top gentlemen). Being a person who is able to admit my mistakes, I then began to expound about G.W.C. who invented peanut butter....and then I ruined the whole thing by looking it up on Wikipedia...And of course I'm wrong.

I swear, these are the kind of retarded arguments we have on a regular basis.

I knew it!

Still working on my "tequila makes you smarter" theory...

I never did like Triscuits

I got all excited and thought I was going to be able to add to my "celebrities-with-glass-eyes" blog...but, alas, it was not to be.

Yeah, I really have nothing better to do.

There is something wrong with me

If there's something wrong with you, too, you might be interested in this site. Find the graves of the famous and...I don't know, dance around like a wild injun? If I ever make it to Texas again, I will be visiting Bill...and here's why.

Ranto rama

Is it just me (I have the sneaking suspicion that it is) or does the new movie version of "Hairspray" seem really unnecessary? I'm sure the musical was just fine and dandy blah blah blah, but really....do we really need to see John Travolta dressed as Edna Turnblatt? From the brief clips I've seen (the clips may have been longer, but I couldn't force myself to watch them), it seems as if the musical has completely toned down the trashy parts of the original movie...not that the original was as trashy as some of Mr.Waters' other work, but it at least had a little element of sleaze to it that was so...endearing. At least to me, but I have this feeling that I am not exactly representing the American people on this one. Anyway....does John Travolta play the station owner in this movie as well as Edna? I guess it all boils down to the fact that without Divine, this movie seems like a waste. Of course, I could be wrong, but I think this is one of those rare occasions when I'm not. I just hope John Waters has made a shit ton of money out of the musical and the movie and will be turning out a quality movie sometime in the future.

These folks rock

Crazy4Cult

I am yet again stealing a link from Kevin Smith...but these are just too damn cool to not be seen (I'm going to make a wild guess that more people look at Kevin Smith's myspace page than my blog....I know, it's a stretch, but...yeah).


We had ourselves a kick ass weekend...Went to Indy and hooked up with Johnny and Stef (who we haven't seen since my baby shower) and invaded Dave's house. We are either A.)old fogies or B.)broke, because all we did was drink and sit out on Dave's porch. And laugh. A lot. I forgot what it's like to hang out with people who you can't embarrass, disgust, and are totally comfortable with. I seriously think we might just be the five funniest people on the planet.

Continuing the Jeff Bridges love....

From Lebowskifest

I love this man

I wish I could have found a better picture, but, alas, I am lazy. Anyhoo, check out Mr.Bridges official website...it includes his own photography, some awesome links, and is quite nifty looking.

I am bored

So I thought I'd post this photo of Tom Waits from "The Outsiders". I'm not ashamed to admit it (well, not all that ashamed) but I rushed out when the new special edition of this movie came out on DVD and bought it. Ah, Ponyboy...although I'd have to say, for my money, Matt Dillion is the main attraction. Ah, Dallas Winston...unfortunately for me, after viewing this movie approximately 90 million times while growing up, I fear I may have developed a horrible "bad boy" fixation, which lead me to date some really..well, good looking bad boys who treated me like dirt. I blame you, Dallas Winston! Anyway...isn't it bizarre that Tom Waits was in this movie? His character's name was Buck, and if I wasn't too lazy, I'd get up and find the book and tell you the last name as well, but...what with being on my third beer (another drunken blog, yay!) and all...Yeah.

I'm beginning to think this whole blogging thing may not be for me...I think I'm essentially a boring person who really has nothing interesting to say, other than waxing rhapsodic about "The Outsiders" and other retarded shit. I'm sure there's a vast internet movement toward lame Midwestern moms who bitch about their lives and give cute little anecdotes about pop culture...and then go on and on about how they don't think they should be blogging in the first place...AGH!

Oh well. I thought this was funny.... I'll shut up now.

Me and mondo

The weirdest two David Bowie clips you will ever see

The first is with Marianne Faithful.

A bad picture of me and my dog

I may be biased, but this kid's freaking adorable

Wow, this was a complete waste of time

Random
Do you have any pets?	why does every survey want to know this? yes.
What color shirt are you wearing?	black...but my soul's a nice shiny white
Name three things that are physically close to you:	a dictionary, a chair...a computer (what, am i supposed to say something zany like a yeti?)
What is the last book you read?	"The Shipping News"...it was..eh.
Are you or were you a good student?	define good...good as in i graduated, good as in a showed up every now and then..
What's your favorite sport?	water polo
Do you enjoy sleeping late?	i would
What's the weather like right now?	very nice
Who tells the best jokes?	comedians
What was the last thing you dreamed about?	i don't know, but i was gritting my teeth like a son of a bitch
Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?	yes. no, but there's been some bastard people who have hit me
Do you believe in karma?	no, just chameleons
Do you believe in luck?	sure, why not
Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?	scrambled all the way
Do you collect anything? If so, what?	stereo manuals...
Are you proud of yourself?	am i ever
Are you reliable?	am i ever
Have you ever given money to a bum?	does my boyfriend count? HAHAHAHAHAHAHa
What's your favorite food?	the kind that is yummy
Have you ever had a secret admirer?	how the hell would i know?
Do you like the smell of gasoline?	um...no
Do like to draw?	and quarter too!
What's your favorite invention?	time
Is your room messy?	if i had one, yes indeedy do
What do you like better: oranges or apples?	squares
Do you give in easily?	what are you asking me to do? okay!
Are you a good guesser?	i am the best guesser ever, hands down, bar none.
Can you read other people's expressions?	no, just the bottom of their feet
Are you a bully?	only if you don't like squares
Do you have a job?	motherhood is a full time job...biotches!
What time did you wake up this morning?	7:30 a.m.
What did you eat for breakfast this morning?	some Healthy Choice thingie with chicken
When was the last time you showered?	a week ago..that's right, i'm not ashamed!
What do you plan on doing tomorrow?	taking my kid to the doctor, finding the meaning of life, inventing time
What's your favorite day of the week and why?	Tuesday...because they just fucking rock!
Do you have any nicknames?	KD....
Have you ever been scuba diving?	not to my knowledge
What's your least favorite color?	blue
Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who?	no. Norman Mailer
Would you ever go skydiving?	no.
What toothpaste do you use?	Crest
Do you enjoy challenges?	only if they're easy
What's the worst injury you have had?	a slightly torn vagina
What's the last movie you saw?	Pan's Labyrinth
What do you want to know about the future?	it's Tuesday
What does your last text message say?	i don't
Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to?	my mommy
What's your favorite school subject?	being annoying and you
What's your least favorite school subject?	all of them
Would you rather have money or love?	i'd rather have move or loney
What is your dream vacation?	on the planet neptune with che guevara! yeah!
What is your favorite animal?	the muppet
Do you miss anyone right now?	it's hard to miss people when you're as self centered as i am
What's the last sporting event you watched?	i have no idea
Do you need to do laundry?	i am, damnit, get off my back!
Do you listen to the radio?	satellite radio
Where were you when 9/11 happened?	at my mom's
What do you do when vending machines steal your money?	sob and fall to the floor in convulsions
Have you ever caught a butterfly?	colds, yes...not so much on the butterfly tip
What color are your bed sheets?	white....hey, just like my soul!
What's your ringtone?	i don't have one
Who was the last person to make you laugh?	my sweet baboo
Do you have any obsessions right now?	laundry, yetis, butterflys....it's a pretty long list
Do you like things that glow in the dark?	um....i really hadn't given it much thought...yes?
What's your favorite fruity scent?	rum
Do you watch cartoons?	yep
Have you ever sat on a roof?	hell, probably
Have you ever been to a different country?	no, i am lame
Name three things in the world you dislike:	the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower, and Big Ben
Name three people in the world you dislike:	you, your mom, and....Fergie. man, i really dislike her.
Has a rumor even been spread about you?	every fucking day
Do you like sushi?	never tried it
Do you believe in magic?	in a young girl's heart? how the music can free her whenever it starts? No.
Do you hold grudges?	sure
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

River's way into "The Muppets Take Manhattan", so....

While looking for mp3s for my stupid mp3 player on my stupid myspace page, I typed in the Ramones, who I of course love (and saw on the day Clinton got elected, just to give you an idea of what an old fart I am). Anyhoo...it is astonishing to me how many people think the song "Blitzkreig Bop" is called "Hey Ho Let's Go". Equally puzzling is the many (over 50, and I'm not exaggerating) people who'd uploaded the song "What I Like About You" and credited it to the Ramones. Maybe they covered it or something, but the five or six times I clicked on the links, it most certainly was not the Ramones...I think it's the Romantics or something. So....yeah, I let random crap annoy me.

See? Some Asian guy...and Tori?!

Well, it's kind of nice to hear you resemble Tori Amos, Ava Gardner, and Eva Peron...I don't know what to think about Alice Cooper though.

Every freakin' time I do this, it says I look like someone Asian

A P.S. on yesterday

Carl De Keyzer....pretty fabulous stuff.

Warning: not for the easily offended

I stumbled upon Joel-Peter Witkin's photographs while messing around before bed, and, although I 'm well aware they won't be every one's cup of tea, I think they're amazing.


I was originally looking at Diane Arbus' photos, which are wonderful as well...this link also has collections by Mapplethorpe, Avedon and others..so...yeah. Like 'em, hate 'em, whatever.

Botulism?

There's really no point in you entering this contest...

But, if you're a glutton for punishment, you can enter here...hurry, the deadline's the first of July! Just don't come crying to me when you lose....loser!


p.s. you're a loser because I'm going to win the contest....guess I didn't make that very clear, huh?


P.P.S. IMPORTANT UPDATE: I lied...it ends the 7th. Too bad the extra time will only make my victory that much sweeter (I don't know what the hell I mean either).

It always seems like such a good idea at the time

This slightly dazed and insane look is the result of being alone and drinking. All I had was a six pack of beer, but that's all it took for me to write the woe-is-me blog under this one...the one in which I hate my life, etc. You can read, so, yeah, there it is...slightly embarrassing now, considering that when Jason got home like an hour later, I was mad for about five minutes and then pretty much just gabbed away about absolutely nothing in the happiest manner imaginable.

Am I bi-polar? No, just bored, frustrated, and lacking in anything better to then post retarded blogs about how life sucks when you're drunk and at home alone. So...in summation, I'll say this: I'm fine, everything else is fine, there are annoyances in my life but they're not that big a deal, and I promise to try to keep the drunken blogging to a minimum.

Back home again in Indiana

Why is it that I have the feeling that I am the only person I know at home on a Friday night? Why do I feel such a huge amount of resentment towards Jason for going out tonight, for acting like his home life is such a fucking chore, as if having his son wanting him to pay attention to him was the fucking height of annoyance......is that even a question anymore? I am at home, everyday, taking care of my son, who I love crazily. I love making him laugh, I love playing with him, I love it when he discovers new things he's never seen before...but what I don't love is feeling like I am a single parent with a boyfriend. I hate calling up the "being a housewife is just as hard a job as any other" card, but damnit, when he's spent an hour at home and says he can't take it and has to leave, I just want to kick him square in the nuts. And when I'm having a bad day and he calls and says, "Oh, hey, I'm going out with such and such and I already told them it was okay....are you cool with that?"................urgh. I am also faced with the fact that I'm pretty damn positive that I don't have any friends that are actually available. By that I mean people I could call right now and just start bitching righteously to, someone who would listen to all my shit, take my side, and make me feel better. Everyone I know who I consider a friend either lives in another state, is too far away, or is too wrapped up in their own lives. I have acquaintances. I have people who, if you asked them, would say they're my friends, but, really, what the fuck do they know about me? Half of that is my own fault...letting people in has always been a problem. I am so tired of trying to be super mommy, super girlfriend, super whatever-the-fuck-I'm supposed to be..I don't really have that much of a problem posting all this, as I'm pretty sure there are only two people who read this on a semi-regular basis (Hi Puglet! Hi mondo!)...and I don't think Jason ever reads it..so for the few who check, don't worry, I'll get back to my usual inane pap in my next post, I'm sure.

"And I don't wanna live this life"

I got every question right except for the second one. Man, did I read the crap out of this book...


Oh, and I got eight right on this quiz....don't know whether to be proud of that or not.

Isn't this the cutest little picture?

I need to go to bed

Unfortunately, my family's not all that subversive, so I really can't think of any relative who's FBI file would either be interesting or even exisit. But maybe you're luckier than I am.

Thanks to Kevin Smith for sending me the bulletin which led me to his blog which led me to this picture which is an add for some cult movie dealy he's hosting in LA which I can't go to because I am 1.)lame and 2.)not in LA. I am also possibly lame for having Kevin Smith as a myspace friend, but damnit, he writes funny blogs and I like his movies (didn't see "Jersey Girl"...no, I'm not that lame).

Yay, free drinks for me!

River can drink my lemonade.

Nana

KD is not having a good day. Jason's grandmother, the nicest nana you could ever meet, died this morning after a very short battle with cancer. I think it says a lot about her that even people who weren't related to her called her "Nana", and it's depressing as hell to think she's not going to be around to see River grow up. I have a lot of other shit I could bitch about, but it all seems kind of lame and unimportant. Out of all of Jason's family, she made me feel the most welcome and I honestly believe that she loved and cared about me...and her whole life revolved around Jason and River, so I've gotta love her for that.

I don't really know what else to say....I know there's plenty of anecdotes I could relate of her being funny or silly or overbearing or slightly insane, but I don't think any of them quite paint the picture of the wonderful person she was. Jason says River's got one awesome guardian angel now, so I guess that pretty much says it.

Come on, bring it!

The link, not the picture...

Is this really Jim? It looks like him, and he would have been in Florida at the time...the first time he "speaks", it's obviously dubbed, but the second time....Hmmm. And I think I saw him briefly expose himself..but that could have been mass hysteria (can you have mass hysteria by yourself?). Either way, those bastards should let him into college.

#18: Damnit, I'm always the last to know

This is Rolling Stones' top 25 greatest rock rumors of all time. I guess they really don't say that any of them aren't true, so who knows, maybe Debbie Harry was abducted by Ted Bundy.

1. Paul McCartney is or has ever been dead.

2. Stevie Nicks’ assistant had to blow coke up Stevie’s ass due to Nicks’ destroyed nasal passages.

3. Mama Cass died after choking on a ham sandwich.

4. Angie Bowie caught her husband in bed with Mick Jagger.

5. Mark David Chapman was an assassin programmed by the CIA.

6. Members of Led Zeppelin pleased a teenage groupie using a red snapper/shark as their sex toy of choice.

7. Jim Morrison was killed by members of the Nixon administration/faked his own death/died from a heart attack brought on by masturbating in a Parisian bathtub.

8. Deborah Harry was once abducted by serial killer Ted Bundy.

9. Keith Moon drove a car into a Holiday Inn pool on his 21st birthday, knocked out a couple of teeth and got the Who banned for life from all Holiday Inns.

10. Gene Simmons had a cow tongue grafted onto his own tongue after a car accident.

11. Rod Stewart/Lil’ Kim/Jordan Knight had to get their respective stomachs pumped after ingesting a gallon of semen.

12. During a drug bust on Mick’s place Marianne Faithfull was once found with a Mars bar between her legs.

13. Marilyn Manson had his lowest set of ribs removed so he could blow himself.

14. Alice Cooper and Frank Zappa attempted to gross each other out by shitting onstage, then eating it.

15. Bob Marley was assassinated/given cancer in his toe by the CIA.

16. Phil Collins’ tune “In the Air Tonight” was written after Collins witnessed a gruesome incident in which one man let another man drown.

17. Keith Richards routinely has in the past/continues today to get full-body blood transfusions.

18. Jack and Meg White are brother and sister.

19. “Hotel California” is about a Christian church that was abandoned then taken over by Satan worshipers, the Eagles are Satan worshipers and Satan him (or her) self appears in the window on the album jacket.

20. Bob Ezrin, who produced Lou Reed’s Berlin, got the anguished children’s cries you hear on “The Kids” by telling his own children their mother was dead and recording the sounds they made.

21. Pearl Jam was named after a peyote-infused jam Eddie Vedder’s grandmother used to make.

22. Charles Manson auditioned for the Monkees.

23. Marilyn Manson played Kevin Arnold’s friend Paul Pfeiffer on the Wonder Years.

24. Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his guitar-playing gifts.

25. Roy Orbison was an albino and wore dark glasses because he was blind.

It always was fun to use dirty words while playing Mad Libs

The Person Who Did Stuff To Me

As I was meandering crazily down the skating rink one fine summer's eon, the most obnoxious, ballsy c thomas howell fatly fucked me, stopping me in my tracks. "Look here," I said, oozing my elbow at him jauntily, "That was terribly gross of you. I demand an apology."
The c thomas howell banged at me poopily and fucked me again, this time with both knuckles.
"Excuse me!" I said, this time more expertly. "Desist at once, or I shall be forced to screw you. You're a very gay c thomas howell, I must say."
"I can't stop," the c thomas howell said accidentally. "You see, my mother was a fluffer, my father was chunky, and the trauma was just too much. I'm sticky as a manatee, I'm obscene to say."
At hearing his slimy story, I felt for him. But I balled the dark douchebag anyway and moved on